Coach’s Corner

Intermittent Explosive Disorder Girlfriend

QuestionMy girlfriend is trying to get info on how to fight IED, Intermittent Explosive Disorder…she has a mild case of this and wants to find ways to control her anger issues…any suggestions?        BY

Frank:  This is the first I’ve heard of this disorder, so I did a little digging. What I did find was information detailing the difficulty in treating the disorder with medication but much more success using cognitive behavioral therapy.

I will take a different tact as I usually do. Here are a couple of thoughts.

1. Using the Emotional Scale, we see that Explosive bursts of anger are another name for Rage which is #18 on the scale (the higher the number the worse the mood, all the way to #22). If a person feels powerlessness (#22) or insecurity/unworthiness (#21) then the migration up the scale to #18 actually feels like relief for that person. Unfortunately for those impacted the results are often worse than the original state as an enraged person lashes out.

2. Energetically, for persons with tremendous amounts of passion (#2 on the ES) and drive, if they can’t find an outlet for their energy it usually is built up and when it is released it is like a beach ball held under water, it explodes. As such, perhaps some violent forms of expression such as intense cardiovascular exercise, extreme dance or martial arts allow for a focusing of this powerful energy in a safer more controlled environment. In my personal experience, these types of energies don’t do as well with yoga or softer exercise.

3. In terms of expression and communication: I believe becoming a more direct communicator and often expressing through journaling or writing may unleash or reduce some of the fury. Journaling would also allow the important ability to offer “observing ego” where we can see the impact of certain decisions before we take them. Effective and clear communication using the traditional “I feel this way when ____ happens” removes the blame of pointing negatives to another person.

4. Anger management Twelve Steps programs can be of some help, but only if the person chooses to register by their own will.

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My Father Was Never Good To Me

Question: My father was never really good to me, I was born the second child, I’m a woman, my father loved his firstborn, my sister but wanted a boy. I came along. Then finally his third child was a boy. He never abused me but never treated me well either compared to my older sister or younger brother. He lives far away overseas with my mom. I have guilt in that I want to “be a good daughter” and I know it hurts my mom that I don’t speak to him. Complicating things is my daughter who my dad loves. In terms of integrity I don’t want to play games and pretend I want to connect with my dad, any advice coach?                HB

Frank’s Answer:
As with all family issues this is complicated! The middle child complex is a well known one where the middle child feels left out or unimportant between the first child (everyone loves the first child) and the baby (babies yes!). Let me give it a crack. What I’m hearing is a conflict in important values that you have, both are very important and this is when it is challenging as you want to honor both but feel you can’t.

The first value you are trying to honor is “integrity” and/or fairness. By having little to no decent relationship with your dad, your fairness value and intuition tell you that you don’t owe him anything due to his weak efforts to be a great dad to you and clear preference for your two other siblings. You also want to be in integrity with a “rule” that you created a long time ago called “I must be a good daughter”. I assume this means having a normal relationship with dad.

The second value you are trying to honor is “family/connection”. This value tells you that you should do anything possible to maintain the family (it is also tied to the above “good daughter” rule”. There is an unmentioned but implied rule that you must stay connected no matter what (even trampling on your own needs to do it).

In terms of the Law of Attraction, you need to take care of your needs first to be able to hope to give to anyone else. You need to be “selfish” and really dig deep to see if your current attempts to be a “good daughter” trample your need to be a “happy person”. You moved overseas away from your parents, a good indication of your need for independence and freedom. It may also be an indicator that you want to move past that “old” life back home including your dad.

I believe since you are now a mother, you should do all in your power to ensure your issues with dad don’t impact your daughter’s need for her grandfather, as then you would have double guilt!

Guilt is a very low and toxic emotion, #21 on the Emotional Scale, it lingers and can cause cancer. As such, resolution is key here. You can continue with the “good daughter” shtick until it no longer feels right, which may be never. The fact is, your dad will probably never change and attempting to wish that or push him will never work. All you can do is focus on you, ask these questions.

1. Am I still a good person even if I don’t get along with dad

2. Am I willing to risk my self-confidence and self-worth by ignoring my “integrity” value?

3. How can I find a win-win scenario for myself where I honor my “mothering myself”, aka. protecting yourself from your dad’s absent or lacking love for you

4. How do I honor my daughter’s needs for her grandfather (if he shows love to her only)

5. How could I get my daughter to support me in whatever I choose.
I realize #5 can be challenging but, the best solutions come from unorthodox approaches, maybe her opinion will support you or give you new perspectives. Good luck!

 

The Entrepreneur’s Dilemma:

QuestionI’m a health care professional and entrepreneur and from time to time I find myself in a rut, questioning my abilities, if I’m doing the right thing, should I do something else…I have a couple of what I think are great personal and career opportunities at the moment, and I want to know what the best way is to stay fresh, energized, enthusiastic about these projects. Also, because they’re entrepreneurial in nature, there’s risk, all types of different risks, financial, personal, opportunity costs and the like. I want to stay energized and passionate about the opportunities while at the same time staying level headed. How do I stay passionate and energized enough to defend my ideas about these opportunities while being open minded and flexible about suggestions/criticisms from others. How do I manage the dilemma of having the fire, but also realistic?                DP

Frank’s Reply:
Firstly, we all get in ruts sometimes, but I would watch my language (as language shapes our experience), call it a “creative break” or a “refocus period”, as if you’ve ever really been stuck in a winter icy rut with your bald tires, tough to get out and the word is powerful for your subconscious mind!

Whenever we tackle something for the first few times we are complete and utterly “lost” and relatively “useless” as we have few reference points or guide points letting us know “proceed you are on the right track” or something similar. I’m hearing a fair amount of enthusiasm (great! Passion #2 on the ES) but also fear (awful feeling #22 on the ES!). Trust your intuition on these “great” opportunities and follow them as far as they feel good to you and motivate you, otherwise put them aside and focus on what’s working.

The best way to feel fresh and energized with these projects is to fully commit all of you to them, don’t hold back (your STUMPS (acronym for Saboteur Trickster Most Pathetic Self in “u”) is telling you to be guarded and not give 100%), don’t listen, do it anyway. Remember it’s not what you do that is important but who you become in the trials and tribulations of trying, failing and dusting yourself off and trying again. Being an entrepreneur is a lonely profession, I know. Thousands of untold invested hours with sometimes zero external money or result to show for it, that’s why many prefer a cushy job, guaranteed income.  The fact you have multiple projects is a great testament to others’ confidence in you and your openness, trust that side of yourself.

As for Realistic VS Passion, they are polar opposites and inversely correlated. As an early stage entrepreneur I would lean 80% passion, 20% realistic as all great breakthroughs were not realistic.
Realistic is for losers and those who work in bean-counter organizations, not us little mice (vs. dinosaur) entrepreneurs. Besides realistic has no vision, juice or power! Passion can sell any idea to anyone.

I would make sure I have well set out goal milestones and these need to be things you know are needed to succeed, but NOT the final result, keep reframing it bigger. Here’s an example from my work.

  • When I first had the idea of Cobra in the Closet project I wanted to write about my client’s progress over 37 days.
  • I had no clear goals in writing other than to capture what was occurring and my evaluation (still in experiment/report mode)
  • Then as I began writing more and more (what I thought were good pages) I realized I loved writing this book and committed to writing a minimum of 3 pages a day in it (with no final target).
  • I soon realized my experiment subject was not playing her “role” as student / coachee at all”. At this point I wanted to quit saying “how can I write a book about coaching her if she doesn’t want to be coached?
  • I realized then, my viewpoint was too small so I reframed it (helped by the journaling in the book I was writing). I reframed it this way:

“I may fail as a coach, Jen may fail as a student but the project succeeds madly!”

This took a lot of pressure off me, and allowed me to continue.

Last point: As an entrepreneur: Other people will criticize and try to discourage you mostly because it is so confronting to have someone go for their dreams when you have not followed yours. Society is hypercritical and small minded. As an entrepreneur, hang with others who are on similar paths as they get it, all others especially close family and friends come from “well-meaning fear” but they steal all our passion and juice and give our STUMPS ammunition. They are dream-stealers….avoid them as it takes too much energy to “defend” as you say. Trust me over time no one will get to you, as you don’t give them an inch, your vibration is so strong and sure, they feel it and buy in!

Good luck let us know how it goes!

Focussing on Problems Makes them Bigger and Attracts More!

Question In the past, I always tried to fix problems; I believed that the more I thought about them, I could get them fixed. I found that they got bigger and attracted bigegr problem friends! Your thoughts?                                 GH

Frank’s Answer:

Our readers are brilliant; you understand the law of Attraction by the tone of your question, well done!
It doesn’t work and is a flawed premise perpetuated by the media. Most think the more they push against what they DON’T want it will go away. WRONG, they attract more.

WHAT YOU FOCUS ON GROWS! What you resist persists, What you ignore haunts you no more!

The only way to really solve a problem permanently is to ALWAYS LOOK TOWARD THE SOLUTION, what we want. Again the universe doesn’t understand the word “NOT” or “Don’t want”. It hears “Problem”.
Try this out next time you are stuck. Focus 1 minute on the problem, and then focus 1 whole minute on the solution. Now go spend another minute on the problem. Doesn’t feel too good does it? You will see the difference in how you feel is night and day.
If you are not sure which you are focusing on, check in with how good you feel! Focusing on the solution will turn your boat around (send you back downstream).

 

Dealing with Other People’s Negativity

Question: Do you ever feel that way? Where people look at you funny because of your zest for life? If so how do you deal with it?                                 SLM

Frank’s Answer:
As per usual, great question asked at the perfect time for all.

I find it ironic that in a world where everyone is trying so hard to be different via , tattoos, cars, designer apparel, etc. that where we really are different, our personalities, live view and joy levels, judgment finds us everywhere, sometimes especially with our friends and family.

So to answer your first question, YES, SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE EVERY MOMENT I’M FIGHTING OTHERS’ NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE and I do get tired (as I want to elevate them!)

Once you become very clear in your thinking and respect for your inner compass it becomes much easier to see the real truth in terms of “quality of life”/”joy of living”.
I won’t tell you specifically what you need to do but I can share my perspective of how I have made some sense of it for myself.

Be totally honest with who you are at all times, be clear on what your values are and then honour them as if your life depended on it because it does. Once we are clear with and accept who we are we are ok with everyone else’s judgments as we realize it’s “their unresolved demons/issues” causing the judgment.

“They”, those who live a life of quiet misery and little joy are very numerous! Realize that your joy ANNOYS them because they want it but can’t see how it is possible and are too far away. If you are in Joy (#1 on the emotional Scale) and they are in Fear/Despair/Hopelessness/Powerlessness/Depression (#22) you might as well be different animal species from different solar systems communicating,

They can only access fear while you are at a totally alien vibration level which can be jarring for them (and they are jarring to you as well for the same reasons!). They often think you are a POLYANNA or worse a cultist!
The following is on my vision board:

People Who Are Wrong
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

x= Lots

Society is dysfunctional with ridiculous consumeristic, superficial values (coming from lack and fear via the media concentrated negative energy beam), so that does not present a good role model! Begin finding more positive people to be around. join some Meetup groups in what you are interested in. A great one in Toronto is the Soul City meetup run by Steve Fleming.

Imagine you arrive in a new land and everyone there has had their legs smashed with clubs so they are all limping and that is the way it is. You arrive with your perfect legs and keep telling people how great having 2 perfect legs is! Soon they club you and you limp as they do! You need to find people who love to walk tall and free and real, because that is you.

I have a healthy amount of cynicism about society and what is right, I’m a pretty big defecation disturber!

Once you realize that they are so miserable and unwilling to look at life as a joyful adventure, you have a choice:

  1. Try to change them (doesn’t work),
  2. Avoid or eliminate them (they’re everywhere!),
  3. Just be your true happy self and notice the joy you do bring to those open to it and how you attract more joyful people, events and experiences (like attracts like).

I have a mantra of “living like a zebra among horses”. Did you know the zebra has never successfully been domesticated like a horse? Man has  tried for centuries, can’t do it, character is too strong! The zebra isn’t better than the horses, just different. In its savannah environment it is invisible and safe. What is your safe savannah? People who are joyful already, seek them out and allow them to find you as this newsletter has done.

To live an extraordinary, fulfilling life is an act of raw courage and defiance, don’t push up on what you don’t want! Don’t come from a place of “righteousness”, “they’re wrong!” that builds anger/resistance. Come from love and see that they are lost and you must be the change you seek!

From my upcoming blockbuster book, “Cobra in the Closet” I describe a successful life:

  1. Full health and vibrancy allowing me full choice in my life. You can’t have anything else without this, every day get fit to access all people and opportunities with boundless energy!
  2. Joy in every moment, regardless of the outer reality, I choose joy as my operating level, life is supposed to be fun and light!
  3. Passions that feed your very soul including Human needs #5 and #6, Growth and Contribution to others
  4. Financial resources giving you choice to do what you want, when you want with who you want.

Develop a powerful Life Purpose Statement, reason why you are here that will help you be grounded.
Mine is: “I am the knight in shining armor slashing through people’s lies and deception!”

If your life feels joyful, it is. Have the courage and authenticity to remove those whose lives are miserable and want you down too. I pity those who question me in this way as they are really far from any type of sustainable path and it’s not a good place to reside.

Hope that helps!

 

Where’s My Mojo?

Question “I have always been highly driven and motivated, both academically and in my personal life. But ever since I finished school for the summer back in April and got this new job working as a cocktail waitress, I find that I have zero drive to do ANYTHING! I find myself sleeping in all day just to wake up to go to work, whereas before I was highly engaged and would correspond with people obsessively, was always reading business blogs and keeping up with current affairs, and was constantly making plans and setting goals for myself. I’m curious, can motivation be affected by environmental factors, such as one’s job, their amount of sleep, their diet, etc? Because all three of these factors have changed drastically  within the past few months, but I was always belonged to the school of thought that motivation was an internal drive, one that is an integral part of your psychology and personality, one that cannot be taught or altered. What are your thoughts on motivation, and how can I get my Moho back?! Looking forward to your insights!” KB

Coach Frank’s Answer: Great Question! My readers and listeners are brilliant and I learn so much from you all!

OK, I took liberties with this person (and got clarification) and found some other key facts that will help me frame the issue.

The first obvious point is that you have answered your own question very well in describing the (drastic) changes in your environment over the last few months. You went from an 11 year career as a full time student to working part time at some very different hours, big change. You went from being incredibly secure and safe in your expertise as a brilliant student, now you are in a totally different environment, working crazy hours physically and perhaps are not eating well or exercising to keep the mind and body connection optimized. Just because you are young, slim and never had to work out, it may be time to challenge your body differently.

Another aspect of the change is the type of people you work with and serve in a bar/restaurant. I worked 6 years in the industry and have found that there were a couple of different types of people that worked with me:

1) The student or struggling artist making money to pay bills and pursue their dreams (a stepping stone). For some the stepping stone remains for decades with ensuing bitterness because the lifestyle provides easy/plentiful “right now” cash.

2) What I called industry professionals who are not educated but love the work and take real pride in serving other people and the psychic income of connection and prestige that goes with being in charge of your own group/territory of sales. Additionally bartenders have the “it” factor of being on a pedestal.

So, new environment, rules, hours, diet, people, expectations = New challenges, feelings and growth (in new directions).

Become clear why you are doing this job (the money and social) but have an exit plan and time line. Set a SMART goal. (Not a SMART SERVE GOAL!)

SMART GOALS are Specific, Measurable, Accountable, Resonant, Thrilling

example: “I will save $50 a week for the next 6 months and apply to 10 full time jobs per week with the objective of having a “corporate job” by September 1st,
2011 paying a minimum of $ X”.

Keep adjusting the exact goal until it’s thrilling to you! Otherwise it’s too much work and no fun! I can tell you right now, my bar tending days were some of the best memories I have to this day. You will look back at this period in 20 years and say, that was so fun! WHY WAIT! HAVE FUN AND SAY IT NOW! BE A STUDENT OF THIS NEW EXPERIENCE/ENVIRONMENT!

By doing this you realize that the job now is a VEHICLE to get to your other goals. Also, I would make a game of it, “how amazing can I get by September 1stat connecting with people?”

Another point, be easy in this transition period, I’m hearing you “should over” yourself because you have high standards.

Let us know how you do! Trust who you are and your intuition, follow it and live!

Thanks KB!

Girlfriend concerned with Career Direction

QUESTION: “Hi Frank.  I had a question for you.  My girlfriend is concerned about my career direction. Is there a good career counseling program you would suggest for me?”              SH

FRANK’S ANSWER:
“Thank you so much for reaching out to me on this issue, I’m sure many readers will get value from your courage and honesty.

I have attached the unfinished manuscript which will be published in the next year, it called “Career Chameleon: Thriving in a New Reality” and i am sure you will find much to move you forward with in this work.

My main issue with your question lies in the subtext or context of the question. I question the wisdom of your lady friend and her “worrying” for you. In my opinion, a partner is there to support us in our journey, not have these unmentioned or unwritten expectations that could put pressure on you. When we meet someone, we should never think in terms of the things we can change in them. If so, move on! Make sure she is not pressuring you as good opportunities never come from desperation. If you would like more information, contact me privately.

Move on Or Stay?

Question:  My partner and I don’t seem to connect anymore. What should/can I can do, or is it just time to move on/leave?

Frank’s Answer:  It’s too easy to only blame the other person. A better way to approach this is to look at if you are happy with who you are being in the relationship? If yes, then you need to get clear if both your paths are still aligned. I find values a strong predictor of relationship success. Not carbon copy values, but enough commonalities so you feel you share similar views on life’s major areas. At least have respect for each other.

If respect is gone and resentment has settled in and you no longer have more good times than bad, then re-evaluate if this fits YOUR minimum relationship expectations (what you would minimally want in a new partner). If not, being single (a little lonely at first but also excitement of potential new mate) is always better than in a bad relationship (feeling alone with a partner).

Communication is key here, you want to explore the topic in a courageously authentic fashion so you are transparent and are not holding any important facts or feelings back from your partner. Once you take responsibility for your inputs of the relationship and communicate clearly, then the right decision will become clearer. Until honest dialogue happens both partners may be operating from false/mistaken assumptions about the other. Clarity brings conscious choice.

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Avoiding the Dating Games

Question: “Everyone is playing games dating, I don’t even know the rules! Help!”

Frank’s Answer:  This may or may not be true, if you think it is true then IT IS for you, and you need to change your perspective (via reframing). This is a so-called global belief, like “All___ x people are like ____”. This comment definitely comes from a place of lack as in, “there are no good people left”. The universe is abundant. The fact that you mention rules suggests you are looking for a way to successfully deal with the frustration of inauthenticity and deception going on. The fact these “games” bother you suggests you are a person of integrity and honesty, which are great values.

The only thing you can control is who YOU are being and how you see and do things, nothing else (you don’t control the weather, economy, your boss, your partner etc.). The definition of suffering is trying to control people or other things outside ourselves. I would begin by realizing that any global statement like the one above is rarely true because there are so many different (abundance) people out there. The fact is in terms of the Law of Attraction, Like attracts Like. By having minimum standards of conduct (essentially loving and valuing yourself) you will naturally not put up with such gamesmanship and will attract higher quality people. If someone is acting in a way that is out of integrity you could call them on it or decide that those aren’t the type of games you want to play and stick to it. Maybe change the environments you are meeting a certain “type” of person if you see patterns repeating. Always realize we choose what we tolerate and can change.

 

Question: It seems like every relationship I have repeats the same unhealthy patterns. How do I stop this Groundhog Day!?  Sandy R.

Frank’s Answer: Each time you repeat a pattern it means you haven’t learned the lesson about the dysfunctional pattern or more importantly, even identified it was dysfunctional. Trust me once you realize the level of pain you will not make the same mistake again as you will see telltale patterns. It is a good idea to create a list of minimal acceptable standards for people you want to contemplate dating BEFORE you start falling for them. Develop a “Must-Have”, “Must-NOT Have” and “Nice to have” qualities of your optimal partner.

Realize we attract the vibration we put out, if you keep putting out (to the Universe) the same patterns (worry, fear, lack, anger) you will attract people from these vibrations, ouch!.

Additionally start doing different things with varied different types of people, this could help too as most relationships are created and arise due to physical proximity. Try changing who, where and how you socialize, the world is diverse so should your interactions and activities. Also raise your standards, it may seem counter-intuitive but when you become more selective it’s easier, with so much less turmoil (and maybe even joy, excitement and adventure. I know! Who knew!). Once you look at being single as an adventure you can be light and have fun!